I spent the day with my children up at my mom’s today. We played in the back yard for most of the afternoon. It was so warm…and then I was consumed with the oddest memory — it was with me pulsing in my heart all day. I remembered the first time my first real boyfriend came up to my house. We live up on a mountain, so it’s far. First you go to the middle of nowhere and we are a twenty minute drive from there. The boyfriend was Miles McNaught and my mom picked him up in Petaluma and we drove up the hill together. We went for a walk, I showed him all around and we had dinner with my mom and he went home later that night. We were so nuts for each other (honestly nuts) that we couldn’t even kiss, not really…and though that’s what we spent a lot of time doing — -that’s not how we spent our time on that particular day. We held hands and walked with my dog Moe out to the point that overlooked the city that was so far off in the distance that we could only hear each other. Then Moe ran off and I had to chase him. The day must have been warm like today, but it wasn’t July. We first started dating in March of 1986, so his first visit to my house must have been in April of that year. Ah. Such a beautiful time in my life.
I was absolutely heartbroken when Moe died when I was 22. My darling dog, who I loved with all my heart. By the time Miles passed away on Thanksgiving 2010, he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. We had long ago broken up and I had married someone else, who I love, but Miles and I had stayed close; he was my very special friend. We had such beautiful memories and there was always this spark between us. We always laughed and hugged each other as if we were still teenagers. He meant the world to me; and I to him and I knew it without ever questioning it. Let’s face it, I can certainly live, because life is such a beautiful gift, but it’s hard to live without your first love in the world. There are still things I want to ask Miles. I still feel him near me. It’s not every day, or even every week. These deep days, like today are rare, but when they happen it’s kind of awesome. I’m standing in the kitchen at my mom’s and I’m doing something with my 20 month old and suddenly he’s there, laughing at me. I turn as if I am 16….and nothing. The laughter was my three year old in the other room.