The PopCycle

My baby is 71/2 months old. I’m realizing quickly enough that I am on permanent duty. This beautiful thing that I created is growing and changing constantly. Now I understand why my mom used to stare at me all the time. As parents we are in awe — we can’t believe this little thing is learning to  crawl, walk, swim, talk and a million other things right before our very eyes.

Should I talk about trying to hire a nanny and being mostly underwhelmed by the talent? Or trying to “work” just so I have my own cash because I can’t stand to be dependent?

Or…what? I think I’m so quiet because I’m listening. I hear her heart beat against mine and it has calmed me.

I keep thinking about writing, but then I am so overwhelmed, I wouldn’t know how to describe it, but aren’t I a writer? Shouldn’t I try?  I’m a new mommy, so my whole world is different. On October 6th at 3:55PM I gave birth (yah, through my vagina) to Maya Starr Paperny who is the most beautiful, perfect baby.  I would talk about the labor, but why scare you.  And besides, though long — 25 hours, it really wasn’t so bad (yes, it was!) -I pushed for three hours! Anyway, let’s not talk about labor or how much pain you’re in post labor (a lot). After it was all over, I asked one of my friend’s to get me a Coke.  Yeah, I deserved a Coke didn’t I? The baby latched on and began nursing immediately, and I drank my Coke — then choked on it.

The first few weeks were a no sleep blur. My husband actually called her an “evil log” – we’d wrap her in a tight swaddle with only her head sticking out – and she’d cry for hours, so, she really did look like an evil crying log.  Then, one day I looked down and my baby had grown and so had I; she didn’t cry so much, or maybe I understood her better.   My friend Marisol who came to a doctor’s appointment with us a few weeks ago wondered how we do it.  It doesn’t seem so hard when it’s your baby. My heart hurts from love, I think.  So getting up with her, worrying about her comes much more naturally than I thought.

Now she coos, sings, dances, grabs things, smiles at me when I show up in the morning.  And she’s almost grown out of her three-month old clothes.  This precious time is flying by, as does life when you think about it.

So here we are, the end of a decade and it all feels so circular. 10 Years ago I did the same thing for New Year’s Eve.  Sort of. Remember how scared we all were about going out in 2000? We were all scared about Y2K?  I stayed home at my mom’s on the mountain in Sonoma. I even slept through the count down. I had a lot of changes coming; no wonder I was tired. I was soon to be moving to New York City for a new life.

10 years later, I’m here on the mountain with my mom. I slept through the countdown, true. But things are different. I have a sleeping baby next to me. My husband, Dmitry, went to my friend’s party without me and he’s still there. It’s okay. He needs to party. One of us needs to party. I think Miranda on Sex in the City (Oh, I’ve been watching lots of Sex in The City re-runs in my spare -hem breastfeeding times) said it best: “When you are a new mom the minute you stop you’re done.”  But I am starting to feel better, though today some friends came up to my mom’s and I entertained them with the baby in my pajamas. I didn’t even take a shower.

Sometimes I feel so retarded as a mom. I can’t get passed step one. I can’t even make it to mommy and me playgroups.  I can’t really workout, can’t eat right, etc, etc.  I feel very fat — and I’m not just saying that. I am fat. I invited some friends over for dinner while we were still in New York and I offered them a dry Pork Roast and day old Champagne. How gauche!

I want to do everything right, but it’s hard when you’re a Noni.

Now — for the good stuff.  The past decade. Holy crap. I spent the entire decade living in New York City and I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around all the things…all the amazing, wild, scary things that happened to me, to us.

Right after I moved to New York for a new job I got laid off with thousands of others suffering from the dot come bust. Remember that? At the time, I had just moved to New York and had just realized that I was in-debt and needed to save money. I didn’t have an apartment in my name yet — so I could have moved back right then. But I didn’t. I stuck it out.

In 2001, I had a great summer — I had my own apartment in the East Village that I shared with my friend Gabe. We had non-stop parties. I had a pretty new boyfriend too. He was sexy and Russian and liked to spend money on me.  It was nice. Then, came the World Trade Center attack. I was here, watching it all happen from a mere 10 blocks away. Everything changed after that.  It’s like everyone got serious. What are you going to do with your life? Stop messing around. If you died tomorrow would you die happy?

In 2002 I got accepted to the MFA program for playwriting at the New School/Actors Studio Drama School. I remember that it felt like Hogworts…like we were studying to be witches. Lots of things to love about this time in my life. I lived in the West Village in a charming apartment. I had a great boyfriend who was Russian and very interesting. I was also getting my work produced. This was the beginning of me doing everything for my craft. I’m not kidding for the next four years I lived and breathed theater. I had something like 30 plays produced and I  produced plays, acted in plays and saw tons of theater — all amazing!

By 2005 I had already been a literary agent for two years and had a very fun life in New York. I had just graduated from acting school and won a role in a Russian movie and was sent to Russia to film it! I was now married to the “interesting Russian boyfriend.”

In 2006, I had to pay off that student loan so I went back to work in online marketing which pays very well. For the next two years my art suffered and so did my health. Working full-time and commuting 3 hours a day was stressful. And I was mad all the time that I was spending so much time and energy working at something that wasn’t my passion. But I tried to make the most out of it; I saved a lot and I bought a lot of clothes. I looked cute and took private pilates classes that I could afford with all my extra income. In mid 2008 I paid off my student loan and for 2009 I decided to take a break and get back to my writing.

In January of last year I discovered that I was pregnant and in October I had a beautiful baby girl who we named Maya Starr. My Russian husband started his own business and we moved to Tribeca in August where it’s more “kid friendly.” I’m not sure I love the new hood or all the changes, but some of the changes are remarkable and I’m okay to just go with the flow.

I am a mom now. I’m different, a different size, shape and color. I’m brighter. My mom is still my mom, but now she’s a granny too.